As we all know, motherhood is a practice of holding multiple (often contradicting) thoughts and emotions. Motherhood is complex, stressful, beautiful, and fulfilling. Mom guilt is a shared experience and can become crippling. I wholeheartedly believe in being honest about our experiences to create a community that we all crave. I’m going to share some thoughts I have had throughout my journey.
Motherhood is not what I expected.
From a young age, I always wanted to be a mom. I gravitated toward children. You’d always find me at the kid’s table or holding a baby. When it became a reality for me (after issues with fertility that I also didn’t expect), it was so much different than I expected. It was very hard, and it changed a lot of things for me (friendships, marriage, identity). It has been hard to find my footing and feel like myself amid all the change.
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There isn’t a community readily available.
Especially living as a new mother during COVID and in the aftermath of it, a community hasn’t been readily available. That has made an already lonely time even lonelier. We are social beings, even me, and I consider myself to be pretty reclusive. We all need community. Socialization is important for us and for our babies. My advice is to look for community even if that means stepping out of your comfort zone and attending events. We can’t do things on our own, we need places to seek advice, to vent, to cry, and to laugh.
Partnerships change and communication is key.
I knew my marriage would change with a baby, but I didn’t realize how much it would change. It’s hard to grasp a lot of these things until you are in the middle of them. Having a child adds stressors to your life and marriage. I have found that having open and honest communication helps to curve some of these changes. It helps to express your emotions and let your partner know how you feel. I always liked to assume my husband KNEW my needs, but as he has shared, he is not a mind reader. Mothers tend to feel that they are in charge of everything and need to do it all alone, but that leads to feelings of resentment. When we vocalize our needs, we’d be surprised at how people will likely help us carry the weight of motherhood.
Not all parts of motherhood are enjoyable.
Society paints motherhood as this beautiful landscape, but not all parts of it are enjoyable. I have felt extreme guilt for not enjoying every day, but it’s an unrealistic expectation to think that’s possible. One thing that has helped me is to understand that I will not enjoy every stage of motherhood. My husband won’t either, and that’s okay! I loved the newborn stage, but toddlerhood has been a bit more challenging for me. My husband feels the opposite. It’s important to remember that we are going to enjoy different stages and dislike some, but that doesn’t make us bad parents.
A part of me even feels guilty for writing these things down, but I know women will relate (and maybe some won’t). My intentions are not to bash motherhood.
I absolutely love and adore my son. But I also find motherhood hard. Finding it hard does not diminish the love I have for my son. I hope we can all hold space for honest conversations to help us navigate motherhood.
The opinions expressed in this post are those of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of El Paso Mom, its executive team, other contributors to the site, its sponsors or partners, or any organizations the aforementioned might be affiliated with.
