I got a job as a long-term substitute teacher in my daughter’s school. My daughter’s teacher was out on maternity leave, and I felt so lucky to be able to teach my daughter’s class. Little did I know this new job would give me a new perspective and lead me into a new co-parenting journey.
A New Perspective
One day I lost my voice and my helper in class offered to read a book to the students for me. She read the book, and then she asked the students, “If you could go anywhere, where would you go, and what would you take to get there?”
When it was time for my daughter to answer the question, I was prepared for her to say something like . . . go to Disneyland or a vacation. But that wasn’t her answer. I gained a new perspective on the importance of having both parents in a child’s life.
A Simple Question with a Not-So-Simple Answer
My daughter stood up proudly and said, “I would take an airplane and go see my dad.” A student in her class innocently said, “What? I thought you never met your dad?” My daughter said, “Yes, I did when I was a baby.”
I fought the urge to hold back tears but failed as I snuck into the bathroom, hoping my helper was the only one who saw as she continued to ask the rest of the class this question.
Why did I cry? Because my daughter was turning seven. It was almost her birthday, and it’s been six years since she’s seen her father in person.
I had so many questions myself.
Furthermore, the father daughter dance at school was coming up. How would I answer her questions when they come up? Would these questions from kids bother her? Would her dad come if I reached out and told him?
Reaching Out
Later on when we got home, I stepped outside to call my daughter’s dad and explain what happened in class. He said he would try and fly to El Paso to come see her for her birthday.
A few days later he told me he booked a flight. I felt like it was too good to be true. Why couldn’t it have been this easy so many years ago? We were happy to surprise her although very skeptical of each other. Still we wanted to do this for her before more time passed.
More Questions
The next time my helper came to class, I told her I had to print out some flyers while the kids were in art class. She said, “Oh, I see the father daughter dance on here. I was wondering if they were going to have the dance still or not because some girls don’t have a father.”
I was offended by her response. Honestly, I just wanted to let her know that I was going to print out flyers–I didn’t have it in me to discuss a sensitive subject. Why did she have to bring up the father daughter dance and mention the fact that some girls don’t have a father? I wondered if even adults would look down on or judge a child for not having a father present in her life. I was overthinking everything.
Although, on the bright side, I was thankful for her because if she hadn’t read that book or asked the students that question, my daughter’s dad and I would have never have had that call that led to our new co-parenting journey–and my daughter finally seeing her dad again.
Co-Parenting
Co-parenting didn’t come easy at first. Long story short . . . our relationship and marriage could be summed up into the stuff of novellas. Drama!
» » » » RELATED READ: Co-Parenting a Blended Family Feels a Lot Like Rocket Science « « « «
The Meetup
After six years, we all met up at a park. Their bond came naturally as if almost no time had passed. Deep down, I wondered if, now that she’s met him, it would hurt her more if one day he didn’t keep his word again like the years before. I couldn’t stop these fearful thoughts from creeping in, but it helped to focus on the positive.
Talking It Out
The first start of co-parenting was talking it out. We mostly blamed our past problems on being young (even though we both knew it was more than that.)
Regardless, the past didn’t matter anymore. We put our differences aside for the sake and love we had for our daughter. We became civil again for her. It only took us about six years . . . but hey, we eventually got it right (I hope).
Forgiveness
I learned that forgiveness and putting our differences aside are important parts of co-parenting!
Let’s be honest, forgiving someone is easier said than done! I wondered why it had to be so hard for all these years, but that didn’t matter anymore. We needed to keep focusing on her and not the past.
Another Simple Question and a Not-So-Simple Answer
After the meet up, my daughter asked me, “Why do we live here and dad lives somewhere else?” I told her it was because of work, but we love her, and dad will come back to visit soon . . . she smiled and cheerfully said ok.
I didn’t know what else to say. She doesn’t need to know what happened with me and her dad. It doesn’t matter (unless she really wants to know when she’s a little bit older), but right now, she is a child. She needs to witness us respect each other and not talk badly about each other.
I’m sure there will be more simple questions and not-so-simple answers, but most importantly, I think she needs to know that mom and dad both love her and that we will always be here for her.
If you have any advice or stories on co-parenting, please leave them in the comments below, and always remember that you are not alone!
Originally published February 2023.
The opinions expressed in this post are those of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of El Paso Mom, its executive team, other contributors to the site, its sponsors or partners, or any organizations the aforementioned might be affiliated with.
