I am coming up on the anniversary of my dad’s passing. One of my greatest fears was realized the day he left the Earth. It has been a difficult year for my family, but through it all, we have held on to his memory and tried to memorialize his life in the way we live ours. Here are some lessons I’ve learned about loss.
We all heal differently.
Grief is not linear. It is a complex and unpredictable experience for everyone involved. It is important to show yourself and your loved ones grace. Everyone internalizes and expresses grief in different ways. Allow everyone the space to have their own process.
Reach out for help.
Interestingly, I felt a deep need to seek therapy for the eventual passing of my parents months prior to my dad’s passing. I had always deeply feared losing my parents. Although I didn’t necessarily think it would happen any time soon, I felt I needed to start learning how to cope before it happened. I didn’t start therapy until my dad passed, but it has been immensely helpful. I can speak to someone that doesn’t know me personally and express all the fears, guilt, and otherwise dark thoughts. And I feel so well-supported in this way.
» » » » » » RELATED READ: And Just Like That :: One Mother’s Story of Infant Loss « « « « « «
Grief and joy can coexist.
Some of us may feel an intense amount of guilt for laughing or having a good day after such a great loss. It’s important to remember that there will be joy after loss. There will be happy moments to share with family although the sting of the loss will be felt simultaneously. You will laugh and look around realizing that your loved one is missing. Hold space for all of these seemingly contradicting emotions.
Nobody will ever love me like my parents do.
One of the hardest things for me is the realization that I have lost one of the two people in my life that loved me unconditionally. I hold on to the hope that my dad still lives within me. And the love that he showed me my entire life is something that will continually shape me as a person.
Grief shows up at random moments.
A misconception is that the hardest days are special days like birthdays or the anniversary of their passing, but the hardest days can be the most mundane. For example, I miss my dad the most on days when I feel that I need to call him. My car is making a weird sound, I’m arguing with my brothers, or something funny happened that only he would understand . . . but he’s not there. That’s when the absence is felt the most.
Talk to me about my dad.
Another misconception that people often have is that you don’t want to talk about your loved one. They think it will make you crumble if they are mentioned. That is the furthest thing from the truth. Our biggest fear is that our loved one would be forgotten, so speak their name. I love to hear stories about my dad because he was someone different to so many people. To me, he was my dad who could be a bit serious and stern at times, but to most others, he was a talkative, charismatic, and funny man.
Be there for your friends that are grieving.
I know it can seem daunting to reach out to a grieving friend, especially if you haven’t experienced a loss like that. Reach out. Even if it’s just to say you are thinking about them, invite them for coffee. They need to be supported. Ask them how they’re doing. Have uncomfortable conversations. Although it may feel uncomfortable for you, remember that the grieving person is living with this discomfort EVERY day. It’s important to have difficult conversations and to meet your friend in their place of grief.
I hope this helps those who have lost someone they loved so very much. Although they may be gone, their memories will be kept alive within us.
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