Parenting is filled with beautiful moments and inevitable challenges, especially when emotions run high. Whether it’s a toddler’s tantrum over the wrong color cup, a sibling squabble, or a pre-teen meltdown, helping kids manage their emotions can feel overwhelming. But there’s a secret to teaching emotional regulation that many parents overlook: it starts with you.
In those tense moments, your child needs to borrow your calm. Your ability to stay steady and composed helps them navigate their own emotional storms. Just like on an airplane — where you’re instructed to put on your own oxygen mask before helping your child — you can only offer emotional regulation to your kids if you’ve regulated yourself. The bad news? You can’t fake being calm and your kid will notice. The good news? You can do this.
Here’s how to practice finding your calm and teaching emotional regulation – for you and your little ones.
What is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions. This can be especially difficult for children because their brains are still developing. When frustrated, scared, or upset, their feelings can quickly spiral out of control.
As adults, we often expect kids to handle their emotions well, but we forget that this is a skill they must learn, and usually, it is one they learn by watching us. If we want them to manage their big feelings, we must show them how it’s done. They need to borrow yours when they can’t find their calm.
The Importance of “Borrowing Your Calm”
Imagine your child is melting down because it’s bedtime, and they want just one more story. If you react with frustration — snapping or raising your voice — their distress might intensify. But if you stay calm, take a breath, and respond with patience, you provide an anchor. Your child senses your steady presence and can mirror your calm.
This process helps them feel safe and secure. When children feel that you are regulated, they trust that everything will be okay, even if they’re struggling with their feelings.
Put Your Own “Oxygen Mask” On First
To be that source of calm, you must prioritize your emotional well-being. Self-regulation doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings or pretending they’re not there; it means acknowledging and managing them.
Here are some practical ways to regulate your own emotions:
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Pause and Breathe
When you feel your frustration rising, take a few deep breaths. Inhale through your nose for 4 seconds, hold it for 4 seconds, exhale slowly for 4 seconds, and hold for 4 seconds. This technique, known as “square breathing,” can interrupt the stress response and give you a moment to recalibrate.
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Check Your Self-Talk
Notice what you’re saying to yourself in challenging moments. Instead of, “I can’t handle this!” try, “This is hard, but I can stay calm.”
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Take Breaks When You Need Them
It’s okay to step away briefly to collect yourself. A quick pause — even 30 seconds — can help you return to the situation more patiently.
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Reflect on Triggers
Identify what tends to trigger your emotional reactions. When you’re aware of your triggers, you can prepare strategies to handle them calmly.
How to Model Emotional Regulation for Kids
When your child sees you handle your feelings and engage in emotional regulation, they learn to do the same. Here are ways to model regulation in daily life:
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Narrate Your Process
“I’m feeling frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a deep breath to help myself calm down.”
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Smell the Cookies, Blow out the Candle
Teach your child to “smell the cookies” to inhale and “blow out the candle” to exhale rather than simply telling them to take a deep breath. Giving a visual as you teach coping skills can be helpful. Other ideas include a calm-down corner and the creation of glitter jars. Most importantly, practice these skills BEFORE you need them.
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Apologize When You Slip
You’re human. As a human, you, too, experience normal human emotions, including frustration. If you lose your temper, acknowledge it. “I’m sorry I yelled. I was feeling overwhelmed. Next time, I’ll take a breath first.”
A Reminder: Progress, Not Perfection
You don’t have to be a perfect parent to help your child with emotional regulation. It’s about showing up, trying your best, and repairing when things don’t go smoothly. Every time you stay calm during a challenging moment, you’re helping your child build their toolkit for managing emotions.
So the next time emotions flare up, remember to put your own oxygen mask on first. Your calm is the gift your child needs to borrow. And with practice, they’ll learn to create their own.
